Last weekend we went to Thiruvannamalai, a holy place believed to be blessed by Siva Himself, where many great saints have attained Nirvana. The Malai (hill) is believed to be in the shape of Ardhanaareeshwara and many pilgrims perform Parikrama of the hill early in the morning. The Parikrama, a 14 km walk along the circumference of the hill's bottom, popularly known as Girivallam, is also believed to be very healthy, particularly because of the different kind of trees and medicinal plants on the path.
It was towards the end of the Girivallam that I saw her. She was sitting under a tree and shaking vigorously. She looked atleast 80 years old. I pulled out a coin and placed it in her hand. As I did that, I looked into her eyes. Never among the beggars whom I have encountered so far have I seen what I saw in her eyes. I found acute suffering, shame and helplessness. Those eyes made me feel guilty. Guilty that I could do nothing more for her. Guilty that I was standing in front of her. Guilty that I even existed.
All through the Girivallam path, we found a large number of ashrams and rehabilitation centers. Why wasn't she living in one of them? This is a place where Siva is supposed to reside in every nook and corner. Why wasn't He taking care of her? Why was she suffering in a place where no suffering is supposed to exist? Does He really exist there? Does He really exist anywhere? As I walked on, I looked back at her many times wishing I could do something more.
In the evening, as we were travelling back to Bangalore, the accident occurred. Dad had stopped mid-way while taking a U-turn and a speeding car hit our car from behind. Both cars heavily damaged but none hurt. There was heavy argument; the other guy was adamant that it was no fault of his; that since it was raining, his visibility was low and Dad shouldn't have stopped there; that his car was newer and more heavily damaged and hence we had to pay him compensation. At last, with the help of police and locals, an agreement was reached, and after much trouble with the car, we reached home. Everybody was thankful that the accident wasn't worse; that no one was hurt. Everybody said God prevented something worse from happening; that our time was good. Somehow I couldn't agree. If God had intentions of preventing bad from happening, why did He let the accident occur at all?
The famous answer that everybody will give to these questions is FATE. Some will even say its because of our karma in the last birth and then go on to give a lecture about Paapa, and Punya. Some people, who consider themselves more practical, will say they are lessons for us to learn in life. These answers only give rise to more questions. What is the quality of the God we are worshipping? God is supposed to have designed our fate. Is He a sadistic God who enjoys when His people are suffering? If the suffering is because of our previous births' doings, are we worshipping a merciless God who can't even forgive the mistakes done in the last births? Our religious scriptures say that forgiveness is the best virtue. Are we expected to be forgiving when God, shown as an ideal, is unforgiving? And if everything bad that happens is supposed to be a lesson, then I ask, what lesson is that beggar lady learning through her suffering? What was the use of the accident except loss of health and wealth?
Is the concept of God a MYTH that we have created for ourselves to escape responsibility for our doings? That can't be true as certain things happen without anyone's intentions, so there has to be some external force. Is life just a random game? Are we being simply being foolish trying to find reasons for everything that happens? The accident will be forgotten in a few days. Those eyes will remain longer in memory but will eventually fade. But the questions remain.
